Please read carefully before bothering one of your new overlords. — Despite the events of the past week is there any chance you come in peace? I’m afraid not. The bloodshed and outright carnage we have been responsible for over the last seven days is fairly indictive of our long-term goals in regard to the inhabitants of your planet. We haven’t…

Saturday will be a good day for Fort William. — Dear fellow supporters, The last couple of years have not been easy for our town — no one really wants to lose 73 games in a row — but it’s important we don’t get too downhearted. …

We have built your dream bookshop. — Dear Sophie, Thank you so much for filling in our customer suggestion form. When reading through your answers it soon became apparent that we had to adopt all of your wonderful ideas with immediate effect. Fast forward three months and it is time to look at the results. Architecture In general…

What’s the worst thing someone has said to you? — The first moments of intimacy in a new relationship can be a nerve-racking affair. With high stakes and higher heart rates, it is all but inevitable that such occasions are followed by the spluttering of a few misplaced words. How bad can it get post-kiss? …

A guide to the phrases used by manipulative cavemen since the dawn of humans — If you really loved me you would happily stand in the middle of the swamp in order to lure a woolly mammoth to its doom. A gaslighting practitioner will use your love against you. They will refuse to accept the idea that it is possible to love someone and be annoyed with them at the same time. …

Three times a week I f*ck up playing Roger Federer in the Wimbledon final. — It goes a little something like this: I fall asleep … The coin toss: I choke and call wings. Roger smiles and suggests I serve first. The first game and I find a rhythm: four double faults. Roger has slightly more luck with his serve. On a couple of occasions…

My closing statement will prove it. — Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Astonishing as this may sound, when my family were first told the news that I had chosen to defend myself against trumped-up charges of fraud, they made comments such as, “Please, Peter, I am begging you to get a lawyer,” and “Haven’t you done…

There were a few surprise entries at this year’s event … — First Place: Vectron from the planet Mamoon A clear winner. Three tonnes in weight and yet still maintained an athletic physique; proof that it is possible to have the best of both worlds as long as you are a silicon based organism. The judges were particularly impressed with the size of his triceps/wings. Second Place: Zlock from the planet Slosh

Your future happiness could be at stake. — Is there a chance your beloved is a movie snob? Are you worried that their growing pretensions will eventually destroy your relationship? Don’t worry, help is at hand. All you have to do is read the following quotations: if your partner has said something similar on three or more occasions…