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H. L. Warren
H. L. Warren

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Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

·Pinned

Library Rules in Regard to the Zombie Apocalypse

Please read carefully before entering the premises. — No talking We still employ a zero tolerance policy but special dispensation will be applied in situations where an individual has looked out of a window and noticed an approaching zombie army. Under these circumstances, and only these circumstances, you have permission to raise your voice and state, ‘Run. Run for your…

Humor

3 min read

Library Rules in Regard to the Zombie Apocalypse
Library Rules in Regard to the Zombie Apocalypse
Humor

3 min read


Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

·Pinned

Frequently Asked Questions Concerning Our Invasion of Your Planet

Please read carefully before bothering one of your new overlords. — Despite the events of the past week is there any chance you come in peace? I’m afraid not. The bloodshed and outright carnage we have been responsible for over the last seven days is fairly indictive of our long-term goals in regard to the inhabitants of your planet. We haven’t…

Humor

3 min read

Frequently Asked Questions Concerning Our Invasion of Your Planet
Frequently Asked Questions Concerning Our Invasion of Your Planet
Humor

3 min read


Published in Slackjaw

·Jun 23, 2021

A Plan Of Action For The Fans Of Britain’s Worst Football Team

Saturday will be a good day for Fort William. — Dear fellow supporters, The last couple of years have not been easy for our town — no one really wants to lose 73 games in a row — but it’s important we don’t get too downhearted. …

Humor

4 min read

A Plan Of Action For The Fans Of Britain’s Worst Football Team
A Plan Of Action For The Fans Of Britain’s Worst Football Team
Humor

4 min read


Published in Open Letters To

·Feb 22, 2021

An Open Letter to the Lady Who Filled in Our Customer Suggestion Form

We have built your dream bookshop. — Dear Sophie, Thank you so much for filling in our customer suggestion form. When reading through your answers it soon became apparent that we had to adopt all of your wonderful ideas with immediate effect. Fast forward three months and it is time to look at the results. Architecture In general…

Open Letter

4 min read

An Open Letter to the Lady Who Filled in Our Customer Suggestion Form
An Open Letter to the Lady Who Filled in Our Customer Suggestion Form
Open Letter

4 min read


Published in MuddyUm

·Feb 10, 2021

After the First Kiss

What’s the worst thing someone has said to you? — The first moments of intimacy in a new relationship can be a nerve-racking affair. With high stakes and higher heart rates, it is all but inevitable that such occasions are followed by the spluttering of a few misplaced words. How bad can it get post-kiss? …

Humor

2 min read

After the First Kiss
After the First Kiss
Humor

2 min read


Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

·Feb 4, 2021

Examples of Prehistoric Gaslighting

A guide to the phrases used by manipulative cavemen since the dawn of humans — If you really loved me you would happily stand in the middle of the swamp in order to lure a woolly mammoth to its doom. A gaslighting practitioner will use your love against you. They will refuse to accept the idea that it is possible to love someone and be annoyed with them at the same time. …

Humor

3 min read

Examples of Prehistoric Gaslighting
Examples of Prehistoric Gaslighting
Humor

3 min read


Published in Introspection, Exposition

·Jan 31, 2021

My Recurring Nightmare

Three times a week I f*ck up playing Roger Federer in the Wimbledon final. — It goes a little something like this: I fall asleep … The coin toss: I choke and call wings. Roger smiles and suggests I serve first. The first game and I find a rhythm: four double faults. Roger has slightly more luck with his serve. On a couple of occasions…

Humor

4 min read

My Recurring Nightmare
My Recurring Nightmare
Humor

4 min read


Published in The Haven

·Jan 25, 2021

I Have Made You All Fall in Love With Me

My closing statement will prove it. — Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Astonishing as this may sound, when my family were first told the news that I had chosen to defend myself against trumped-up charges of fraud, they made comments such as, “Please, Peter, I am begging you to get a lawyer,” and “Haven’t you done…

Humor

3 min read

I Have Made You All Fall in Love With Me
I Have Made You All Fall in Love With Me
Humor

3 min read


Jan 14, 2021

Late Arrivals to the Mr. Universe Competition

There were a few surprise entries at this year’s event … — First Place: Vectron from the planet Mamoon A clear winner. Three tonnes in weight and yet still maintained an athletic physique; proof that it is possible to have the best of both worlds as long as you are a silicon based organism. The judges were particularly impressed with the size of his triceps/wings. Second Place: Zlock from the planet Slosh

Humor

3 min read

Late Arrivals to the Mr. Universe Competition
Late Arrivals to the Mr. Universe Competition
Humor

3 min read


Published in Fanfare

·Jan 12, 2021

Are You Dating a Cinephile?

Your future happiness could be at stake. — Is there a chance your beloved is a movie snob? Are you worried that their growing pretensions will eventually destroy your relationship? Don’t worry, help is at hand. All you have to do is read the following quotations: if your partner has said something similar on three or more occasions…

Film

3 min read

Is Your Partner a Cinephile?
Is Your Partner a Cinephile?
Film

3 min read

H. L. Warren

H. L. Warren

495 Followers

Welsh writer. Humor, hopefully.

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