OPEN LETTER

Dear Sophie,

Thank you so much for filling in our customer suggestion form. When reading through your answers it soon became apparent that we had to adopt all of your wonderful ideas with immediate effect. Fast forward three months and it is time to look at the results.

Architecture

In general design terms, we have worked with several architects in order to merge a retro-futuristic interior with a mystical gothic structure. You stated a preference for “Jetsons meets Hogwarts” and I am confident we have met the brief.

Also worth noting is the fact that we have significantly enlarged the surface…

Humor

The first moments of intimacy in a new relationship can be a nerve-racking affair. With high stakes and higher heart rates, it is all but inevitable that such occasions are followed by the spluttering of a few misplaced words. How bad can it get post-kiss? I hit the streets to find out…

Luckily, the general public were more than happy to divulge and before long I had compiled a top twenty list of inappropriate statements. Have you ever been told the following?

1.“This is a great start. Now let’s get our toes involved.”

2. “All the ghosts in the room…

If you really loved me you would happily stand in the middle of the swamp in order to lure a woolly mammoth to its doom.

A gaslighting practitioner will use your love against you. They will refuse to accept the idea that it is possible to love someone and be annoyed with them at the same time. The victim should never be made to feel like they can’t mention other methods to hunt six ton beasts.

You are more exhausting than spending a month building one of our tribe’s ambiguous monuments.

Comparing anyone to the the construction of stone circles that killed hundreds of our tribe is just cruel. Highly aggressive criticism is an effective gaslighting technique that works by turning attention away from the offender’s improper conduct. …

Humor

It goes a little something like this: I fall asleep …

The coin toss: I choke and call wings. Roger smiles and suggests I serve first.

The first game and I find a rhythm: four double faults.

Roger has slightly more luck with his serve. On a couple of occasions I manage to spot the ball but don’t have time to wave.

Three games in and I am mocking the laws of probability. Every attempted serve hits the rim of my racket and the ball drops back down to my feet. …

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

Astonishing as this may sound, when my family were first told the news that I had chosen to defend myself against trumped-up charges of fraud, they made comments such as, “Please, Peter, I am begging you to get a lawyer,” and “Haven’t you done enough to hurt us already?” After three weeks of glorious showmanship and forensic interrogation, I think it is safe to say their fears have been well and truly put to rest. …

First Place: Vectron from the planet Mamoon

A clear winner. Three tonnes in weight and yet still maintained an athletic physique; proof that it is possible to have the best of both worlds as long as you are a silicon based organism. The judges were particularly impressed with the size of his triceps/wings.

Second Place: Zlock from the planet Slosh

Lacked bulk but more than made up for it with the ability to control his body on a molecular level. His green skin was covered in mystical tattoos denoting ancient symbols and secret codes. …

Is there a chance your beloved is a movie snob? Are you worried that their growing pretensions will eventually destroy your relationship? Don’t worry, help is at hand. All you have to do is read the following quotations: if your partner has said something similar on three or more occasions in the last week, you must leave them immediately. All hope is gone. No excuses. Pack your bags and be on your way.

• ‘Those who have not seen the director’s cut of Major Dundee have no place at the cultural high table.’
• ‘Egyptian directors embracing handheld technology are going to…

No talking

We still employ a zero tolerance policy but special dispensation will be applied in situations where an individual has looked out of a window and noticed an approaching zombie army. Under these circumstances, and only these circumstances, you have permission to raise your voice and state, ‘Run. Run for your lives. The monsters are coming.’

No food or drink to be brought into the library

If you have been on the run and the library is your first safe space in more than 48 hours, please go to reception and ask for Sandra. If convinced by your story she will provide you with a glass of milk, an oat biscuit…