Please read carefully before entering the premises.
No talking
We still employ a zero tolerance policy but special dispensation will be applied in situations where an individual has looked out of a window and noticed an approaching zombie army. Under these circumstances, and only these circumstances, you have permission to raise your voice and state, ‘Run. Run for your lives. The monsters are coming.’
No food or drink to be brought into the library
If you have been on the run and the library is your first safe space in more than 48 hours, please go to reception and ask for Sandra. If convinced by your story she will provide you with a glass of milk, an oat biscuit…
Please read carefully before bothering one of your new overlords.
Despite the events of the past week is there any chance you come in peace?
I’m afraid not. The bloodshed and outright carnage we have been responsible for over the last seven days is fairly indictive of our long-term goals in regard to the inhabitants of your planet.
We haven’t somehow misread your intentions?
Not unless you believe our intentions to be forcing Earthlings into complete servitude. In that case you are spot on. Well done.
This isn’t some sort of test and any minute now you are going to turn round and say, “Congratulations you’ve passed and we can…
Saturday will be a good day for Fort William.
Dear fellow supporters,
The last couple of years have not been easy for our town — no one really wants to lose 73 games in a row — but it’s important we don’t get too downhearted. I’ve been talking to Brian, and this is the plan for Saturday’s game against Huntly:
- When it’s time for the teams to come out onto the pitch, cheer as loudly as possible. Coaxing the lads out of the changing room won’t be easy, but with enough encouragement, there’s a good chance we’ll be able to persuade the majority.
- If we get an early shot…
OPEN LETTER
We have built your dream bookshop.
Dear Sophie,
Thank you so much for filling in our customer suggestion form. When reading through your answers it soon became apparent that we had to adopt all of your wonderful ideas with immediate effect. Fast forward three months and it is time to look at the results.
Architecture
In general design terms, we have worked with several architects in order to merge a retro-futuristic interior with a mystical gothic structure. You stated a preference for “Jetsons meets Hogwarts” and I am confident we have met the brief.
Also worth noting is the fact that we have significantly enlarged the surface…
Humor
What’s the worst thing someone has said to you?
The first moments of intimacy in a new relationship can be a nerve-racking affair. With high stakes and higher heart rates, it is all but inevitable that such occasions are followed by the spluttering of a few misplaced words. How bad can it get post-kiss? I hit the streets to find out…
Luckily, the general public were more than happy to divulge and before long I had compiled a top twenty list of inappropriate statements. Have you ever been told the following?
1.“This is a great start. Now let’s get our toes involved.”
2. “All the ghosts in the room…
A guide to the phrases used by manipulative cavemen since the dawn of humans
If you really loved me you would happily stand in the middle of the swamp in order to lure a woolly mammoth to its doom.
A gaslighting practitioner will use your love against you. They will refuse to accept the idea that it is possible to love someone and be annoyed with them at the same time. The victim should never be made to feel like they can’t mention other methods to hunt six ton beasts.
You are more exhausting than spending a month building one of our tribe’s ambiguous monuments.
Comparing anyone to the the construction of stone circles that killed hundreds of our tribe is just cruel. Highly aggressive criticism is an effective gaslighting technique that works by turning attention away from the offender’s improper conduct. …
Humor
Three times a week I f*ck up playing Roger Federer in the Wimbledon final.
It goes a little something like this: I fall asleep …
The coin toss: I choke and call wings. Roger smiles and suggests I serve first.
The first game and I find a rhythm: four double faults.
Roger has slightly more luck with his serve. On a couple of occasions I manage to spot the ball but don’t have time to wave.
Three games in and I am mocking the laws of probability. Every attempted serve hits the rim of my racket and the ball drops back down to my feet. …
My closing statement will prove it.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
Astonishing as this may sound, when my family were first told the news that I had chosen to defend myself against trumped-up charges of fraud, they made comments such as, “Please, Peter, I am begging you to get a lawyer,” and “Haven’t you done enough to hurt us already?” After three weeks of glorious showmanship and forensic interrogation, I think it is safe to say their fears have been well and truly put to rest. …
There were a few surprise entries at this year’s event …
First Place: Vectron from the planet Mamoon
A clear winner. Three tonnes in weight and yet still maintained an athletic physique; proof that it is possible to have the best of both worlds as long as you are a silicon based organism. The judges were particularly impressed with the size of his triceps/wings.
Second Place: Zlock from the planet Slosh
Lacked bulk but more than made up for it with the ability to control his body on a molecular level. His green skin was covered in mystical tattoos denoting ancient symbols and secret codes. …
Your future happiness could be at stake.
Is there a chance your beloved is a movie snob? Are you worried that their growing pretensions will eventually destroy your relationship? Don’t worry, help is at hand. All you have to do is read the following quotations: if your partner has said something similar on three or more occasions in the last week, you must leave them immediately. All hope is gone. No excuses. Pack your bags and be on your way.
- ‘Those who have not seen the director’s cut of Major Dundee have no place at the cultural high table.’
- ‘Egyptian directors embracing handheld technology are going to…
H. L. Warren
Welsh writer. Humor, hopefully.
